the before & the after,

well..pregnancy's though all different still have a general thread of similarity to most women. they have the moments of glowingness...people either gloating at them because of the beauty of creating a new life..or growling at them for adding to the already overcrowded planet (thanks al gore).

so i had not too many quams i.e. bad issues during pregnancy and enjyied it for what it was. but the after bit is where i stumbled and didnt know or think i would...being the generally positive thinker that i al...hey, im allowed to think negatively just like alls of youz.

2 weeks after the birth of beautiful vanya....i fell...not literally but figuritively into a state of delayed trauma opf my delivery. my actual labor was only 1. hours with no chemical pain meds, just accupunture and oxygen.....but after vanya came out..my placenta did not on its own or with help. and by help i painfully recall two nurses jumping up & down on the top part of my stomach trying to scare the placenta out!!!! ( how can i make jest of this that was so painful? guess that's what definitely defines me as a humpropus human...the ability to do this to something so ridiculously painful).

so, according to modern and all medicine, the placenta (or after birth) is supposed to extract itself naturally and vacate the premices i.e. my uterus. it didn;t in my case for whatever reason. maybe its like hawaii in there, who knows? so considering that deaith was a possibility - which i was not ready for but am realistic that it happens to everyone - i was immediately whisked away to surgery to have the placenta removed via scraping...yes, my thoughts exactly..what the fuck?!?!?!?!

i NEVER got to have that first moment with our child on my chest feeling her immediate heartbeat/breath/weight/gaze on mine...after 9 mths of carrying her. im tearing up as i write this...because this is part of my therapy...i need to recall this painful moment in my life openely in order to ease it out of my system of trauma...it can't stay there forever..i must move on..but considering that vanya is but 4 weeks old (today) i cannot delete it so fast...it will take itw own time..just as vanya took her own time growing inside me.

im in surgery...have no clue whats going on..open my eyes, from what im told, 2.5 hrs. later to a gray ceiling, a concrete room, two heads staring down on me. turns out, they are swedish nurses, one swedish, one somalian speaking sweiding..yeah guess it could be like an art film moment. then the thing or persons i needed to see most with that first openess...JP and Vanya. JP holding vanya so carefull and staring at me with his caring/caressing eyes that all went well for what had occured.

mind you, this all happned 4 weeks ago...but my body just realised it 4 days ago, and when it did my mind snapped and i went into a traumatic state of shock, screaming bloody murder in the middle of the night. and this incident spurred JP to wrap me up tightly and warmly and take me to the emergency room where i was diagnosed with having post traumatic stress due to delivery..or as the americans call it post partum depression. . thanks to brooke shields its something people have benn now been made aware if in a more ublic manner. and now that I have experienced it i want to make it more aware to you and anyone that might stumble onto my blog.

i became better today. exactly today m you ask? yes. because i woke from a whole day of laying on my bed (a behavior that u stay in for many days) and opened the shades, washed my face with nordic cold water and proclaimed ;i am NOW back to ME!'
THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS KNOWING WHO U ARE.

and as many of you know..and i know..im a funny gal..always the life of the aprty, always trying to make people laugh and looking for my next joke. (kelly knows this very well). but the 'fun bobby' lifestyle also has its negatives that i think many people even the one who are that tend to forget ..and that is the downside of happy is side and we all have downsaides..but for the overly happy ones...the downside can be that much more painfully hard to go thru...cause why?...cause they only know happy...or think that. so...im back to me...but glad that these 'down; sides are very low on my priority scale of life experience requirements.

im now a member of the crusade to promote post partume depression awareness (ppda) and hope to help any families that are/might go thru with it...cause u can come out of it...and it depends on the love & support of your family, friends and medical professionals in your inner circle.

om shaniti om...don't worry im not joining the hare krishna cult...just chanting some yogic terms that have no religious connotations just spirutual ones and helpful ones in this chaotic world of ours. time to slow down and fika (have a coffee break with a pastry in swedish)

transitions in life

so now swindubaby has a name and is no longer gestating...so we shall also give this blog a new birth:

babyvanya.blogspot.com

keep on keepin on!!!!!!!

swindubaby....has a name

and its VANYA.

swedish : indian : russian

i first found the name in a swedish search and liked it for its 'prettiness'..then JP told me it meant 'exotic graden' in kannada (our mother tongue) and then i 'googled' it and found that it has a russian heritage as well...a pet name for 'ivan' or 'ivana'.

so...VANYA is here. we are all happy, healthy and excited!